Learning to be kind first
I've been reflecting a lot on parenting lately—specifically on my reactions to Kai's tantrums and the strategies I laid out for handling them before doing any real research.
I've shamefully and disappointingly been saying "no" a lot. Even reaching the point of raising my voice to a toddler.
It was tough seeing that pattern emerge. Parenting, I'm learning, has this brutal way of showing you exactly what was wrong with your own upbringing. And honestly? I didn't expect to confront these shadows so soon (or so late).
The loud family legacy
I grew up in a "loud" family, where shouting was the default volume for every response. Angry tones were normal, even expected—but acknowledging that you were actually angry in that outburst? That was off-limits.
We were loud, but we lacked the ability to communicate how we actually felt. Emotions were there, swirling beneath the surface, but we never learned to name them. We communicated well about other things—logistics, plans, surface-level stuff—but feelings? Those stayed locked away.
Post-college, during my soul-searching era, I stumbled upon this landmine and tried to work my way out. I started building my communication skills from scratch. Even now, my voice still trembles when I'm holding back sadness or disappointment. Articulating emotions feels difficult, almost shameful—a habit I'm still unlearning.
No
I don't want that for my kid.
I don't want him to feel shame when he feels like crying, or when he's mad, or when he's excited. I want him to be able to tell me about everything he possibly can—to know that his feelings are valid, welcome, and safe.
His mom is so much better at this than me. She's good at feeling, processing, communicating. Sometimes she tries to hide it, but I've spent so long tiptoeing around people who act "hardened," "emotionless," "methodical" that I still feel it anyway. Then we just talk it out (though it shouldn't have to get that far). She's a really good listener, a patient mother, and a very loving wife. She's showing me what healthy emotional parenting looks like.
I try my best. There's still a long way to go, but I've figured out the next steps (or some of it).
I've been reading up on stuff related to:
- How to redirect and make the world make sense to an overly-sensitive 1-year-old
- How to avoid the loud and impulsive "no's"
- How to be a kinder father
I'm working on introducing "I feel..." into my language more—actually taking the time to process my emotions instead of just smirking on the side. I bet there's a lot of relearning to do.
The good cop/bad cop thing? It doesn't work. Children aren't suspects.
But I do know why that came to mind—my mom was the good cop and my dad was the bad cop.
Course correcting toward kindness
There's a lot of thinking and reflecting when you become a parent. Most of the time you feel bad about what you just did, and all you can do is course correct as much as you can.
But hopefully that's enough.
There's still so much for me to learn and go through. And although I can always course correct, I'd like to be kind the first time.
Just be kind the first time.